The Words We Use: How Self-Talk Impacts Self-Concept
Our words, our self-talk
This week I find myself thinking a lot about words. Specifically, the words we use to name ourselves: aka, self-talk. Have you ever been asked that impossible question, “describe yourself using just one word?” I always hated that one, because no one word can sum up an entire person. But it’s a worthwhile question, purely on the grounds of exploring what words you do use to describe yourself.
How we talk about ourselves says a lot about how we see ourselves. And while we may not often consciously think about how we see ourselves, our self-concept comes out in subtler ways. So, how do you talk about yourself? And how does that translate to what you believe about yourself?
Here are some examples of self-talk, followed by their translations:
- “I know I probably sound silly saying this, but…”
Translation: I am afraid of being judged for my feelings. If others don’t believe in them, I can’t believe in them.
- “I’m probably being overly sensitive.”
Translation: I don’t believe my feelings are valid.
- “I know it’s dumb, but I just can’t shake this feeling.”
Translation: I’m judging myself for having this feeling.
- “Who am I to ask them to stop doing something, even if it hurts me?”
Translation: I don’t deserve to be treated with care and respect.
- “I guess it’s my own fault, I should have stopped them from harming me.”
Translation: The fault lies with me for being hurt, not with the person who hurt me.
How we move in the world
What we believe about ourselves shapes our interactions with the world. If someone believes they are God’s gift to the world, they are more likely to move through the world expecting to be celebrated. If they believe they are worthless, they are more willing to accept poor treatment, lower the bar for others, and mistrust healthier relationships. The happy medium is a space where you can appreciate your strengths and innate value as a person, while acknowledging areas for growth.
Sometimes the way we talk about ourselves, the labels we give ourselves – the labels we accept from others – slip in beneath our awareness. It’s not always as obvious as someone saying “I feel worthless,” although that can happen too. Sometimes feeling worthless shows up more quietly, in accepting the label of being an underperformer, a disappointment, or just being “nothing special.”
What labels have you accepted?
What labels would you like to shed?
Change your narrative
Shedding a skewed, unloving self-concept and creating a healthier new one is a project and a journey. It’s not something I can give you a five-step guaranteed results manual for. But I can give you a starting point: becoming more aware of, and more curious about your self-talk. You can’t stop other people from labeling you however they choose to, but you can control what labels you accept, and how you describe yourself. So try something like this:
Instead of….
- “I know I probably sound silly saying this, but…”
Try this: I have a right to my feelings, whether or not anyone else agrees with them.
- “I’m probably being overly sensitive.”
Try this: My feelings are valid, and what happened was not ok.
Try this alternate: Sensitivity is not a flaw, and I embrace my sensitivity.
- “I know it’s dumb, but I just can’t shake this feeling.”
Try this: I am allowed to feel how I feel.
- “Who am I to ask them to stop doing something, even if it hurts me?”
Try this: I have a right to expect fair, respectful, and courteous treatment from others.
- “I guess it’s my own fault, I should have stopped them from harming me.”
Try this: The person who hurt me is responsible for their actions.
What labels and beliefs are you carrying, and how do they shape your view of yourself in the world? Reply to this email with your thoughts!